Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.
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My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.
TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.
*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*
Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow
ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?CAT: lol, no
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.
If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
Saw a car with a bumper sticker that said “I love my wife” and all I could think was WHAT did this dude DO??
Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage
Someone at the grocery store yelled “space” dramatically, and I responded with “the final frontier,’ and now I need a new grocery store.
Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
(At concert)
EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!
Me: Not a chance
WAVE YOUR ARMS!!
Me: Ridiculous
OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!
Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?
I don’t think the person who said “if there were an infinite number of monkeys at an infinite number of typewriters one would create the complete works of Shakespeare” had even a basic understanding of monkey behavior.
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
One time, in a restaurant, a dude from a rival gang threw a steak at me, so I threw a lobster at him and we got into a huge surf and turf war.
DOCTOR: To cure your blue skin condition, you must immerse your entire head in this vat of chemicals
GUY ABOUT TO BECOME SKELETOR: Sounds crazy but okay
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
Runner: What’s your fastest race?
Me: Taking the trash out at night
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat
ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…