Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.

Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …

*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now

The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma

I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me

My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.

QUESTIONNAIRE

Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] No

X

My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old

me: i need directions please

stranger: you need to go north and –

me: left or right

stranger: it’s a little more complex than that

me: *crying* LEFT OR RIGHT

2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic

Unbooblievable

Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.

huge valentines day plans this year!!

Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge

them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty

me:

1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.

3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.

My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.

If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?

Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.

Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.

A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese

A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings

My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating

Once I spilled an ENTIRE cup of coffee in a cab and the driver started freaking out, but miraculously, it all landed in a cup holder, and I soaked it up with a sock. When we arrived, the cab driver got out to see zero spilled coffee in his cab and looked at me like a magician.

No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.

“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”

*mixes raisins into my mac and cheese*

me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—

whoville 911: what was that

me: the grinch robbed me

whoville 911: no the weird part

cw: what did you do at the weekend?

me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal

cw: I think you mean belated?

m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean

The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.

My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.

If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.