Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.
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I know a horrible idea when I see it.
I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet
2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.
If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.
My granddaughter told me that her boss wanted her to sign up for a 401k but she told him that there was no way she could run that far.
Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:
8am: breakfast
8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap
6:30pm: dinner
7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people
I know the English colonized the world and all, but it’s hard to take them seriously when they create recipes like “bubble and squeak” and “toad in the hole.”
“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
[Exit interview]
HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?
GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY:
Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you