“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
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VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}
PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!
CIA AGENT: Get me more water!
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
Don’t you feel like the bed sometimes traps us? 🛌😅 #wawawiwacomics
My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth
Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.
Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.
Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’
Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’
Your windows aren’t that tinted that I can’t still see you picking your nose.
If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.
I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.
My mom gave me a coffee mug that says “Be your own kind of beautiful” and I’m really trying not to read too much into that
Murderers are so stupid. Stop writing manifestos you idiots.
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
Me: I’ll take this shovel. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean quicklime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one. The dead body one
“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
my proudest moment has to be when I snuck into a frat party and didn’t kno any of the brothers but I knew they loved having foreign exchange kids at their events so I faked a british accent and said I was from southham(doesn’t exist) then ended up leavin with 2 handles of bacardi
They should put cute little messages on viagra pills like they do heart candy’s saying “keep it up.”
Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*
Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*
Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.
There should be something just for fun on the ballot, like voting for the best flavor of ice cream . I think that would get a lot of people really excited to get involved
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst
Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.