Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
You Might Also Like
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
[loud crashes]
Me: What was that?
4-year-old: Nothing.
Me:
4:
Me: OK.
Parenting is easier than it looks.
My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.
out-housing market appears to be strong
Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”
No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
It makes me sad that kids these days will never know the joy of clapping back with “it’s time to get a watch” when someone asked what time it was.
Probably the worst thing you can do when your wife gives you a disapproving look from across the room for being on your phone is finish typing this.
Filmmaker: “I made a documentary.”
Netflix Exec: “Great. How much footage do you have?”
Filmmaker: “About 15 minutes.”
Netflix Exec: “Sold. We’ll release it as four 1-hour episodes.”
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser
The documentary My Octopus Teacher will not be shown tonight due to tentacle difficulties.
no one explains why witches fly on brooms. like they could’ve gone with any household object but they chose stick. i for one would’ve gone with chair. imagine cackling across a yellow moon in a lazy boy. feet up, black cat on your lap, no splinters. just a chill time.
Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta:
Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”
give it to me straight doc what can i do to be healthier besides changing my entire lifestyle.
Someone: describe your sex life in two words.
Me: my what?
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
Had a spot of bother earlier.
I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.