Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hurricane heading this way guys, may lose power & cell service for awhile, so if I should happen to disappear, don’t buy the media’s bullshit, I was not abducted by aliens or taken on a cross country crime spree by some Hooter’s Waitresses… I don’t have that kinda luck.

[Boss’ office]
“You’re late AGAIN.”
Drove back for my phone.
“Why do need it at work?”
It’s all I do.
“WHAT?”
I said, IT’S NICE TO SEE YOU.

Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate

passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture

incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED

The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.

When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…

“What would Jesus do?”

Then, I remember how things turned out for him…

And, flip a coin.

If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.

There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.

Oh, you don’t have a Valentine for Valentine’s Day? I didn’t have a groundhog for Groundhog Day.

Did you even think about that??

Waiter: And how did you find the wine?

Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table

“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.

When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.

But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.

A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.

I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet

I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time

Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???

*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*

My wife and I are both keen runners, in fact we met when running a marathon. What we don’t tell people is we met when we were both in the bushes doing emergency poos.

“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian

me: i’ll have the steak

waiter: this is a vegan restaurant

me: ok i’ll have the vegan

Just how popey was the pope today?

I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.

i hope all of u get laid and not laid off this year. amen

When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around

Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.

Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car.

I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.

Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?

Funeral Director: Please leave sir

Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman

If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.

I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.