Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”

[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy

HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school

ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*

Look, all I’m saying is that it would be far more impressive to see someone turn lemonade into lemons

What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.

When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.

Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.

PSA: Always be yourself

Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time

If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard

Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”

3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”

Me: “Did you throw the ball?”

3: “No, my bat did.”

Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people

Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.

the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity

Webb. James Webb.

Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.

“Why yes, that scale is accurate”

A collection of horror stories

me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*

death: quit it

If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?

Reasons I’m not married:

– Am focusing on my karate career

– Wedding could clash with karate class

– Honeymoon might make me miss karate training

– All the lovemaking could sap my energy ahead of karate class

– Wife may be in cahoots with my rivals to distract me from karate

Every full moon my house turns into a storage facility. It’s a werehouse.

if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo

I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.

maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.

5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend

My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early

Jerry, we tried, but we were never a perfect fit.

You’re part of a cactus and I’m a piece of a skull in the lower left-hand corner, I think.

-puzzle pieces breaking up

Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.

Well my ex canceled the Spotify premium I was using which unfortunately means I am revoking her Dads access to my Disney +. Good guy. Hate to see him caught in the crossfire

(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big