Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 3yo nephew asked if he could marry me. I told him no because I already have a boyfriend. He thought for a bit and said, “But I have a scooter.” ❤️

Me: I am forever in your debt

Bank manager: That is accurate

4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂

“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”

doctor: god you’re unhealthy

me: we haven’t started the check-up

doctor: ya i just found your insta

Thought for the day:

Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?

Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you

Spider:

Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.

I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him, but that’s my fault for getting one that’s pure bread.

2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.

Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.

Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic

[3 months later]

Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time

#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting

🤣🤣

God: I’m calling this a horse

Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!

God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks

WIFE: He wanted me to lay these coins over his eyes at his funeral

FRIEND: Seems like a waste of chocolate

A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..

He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…

[about to climb Mt. Everest]

Me: omg is there no parking ?

Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road

HR: Well?

Me: it was a surprisingly good slingshot

HR:

Me: I didn’t know the eraser would hit him in the eye

HR:

Me: can I have my bra back?

I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????

My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too cold

Under my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect

If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??

Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?

at library

ME: This book wasn’t helpful at all!

LIBRARIAN: Why? What’s the problem?

BIRD: [mockingly] “Why? What’s the problem?”

The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.

My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.

*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE

20’s: need to look cool when I go out

30’s: need to look cool and be comfortable when I go out

40’s: need to be comfortable when I go out

50’s: I don’t need to go out