Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
You Might Also Like
customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?
me: [looks over at dog] that is correct
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
When the aliens decide to show up from whatever other dimension they are really from, can they please return all my lost socks and bobby pins, thaanks.
Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?
Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.
DOG 911: what’s your emer-
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING
DOG 911: so?
DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.
i love nyc i was hungover beyond belief and watched the nypd arrest 2 or 3 fake timothee chalamets this afternoon. perfect sunday.
Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?
WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?
ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No
Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.
Flowers bee like
I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit
*After roommate performs a summoning spell*
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me: So does he just live here now?
Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites
I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going
“Band? We thought you said ban”
TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?
Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
Doctor: Are you allergic to anything?
Me: Cats
Doctor: Anything else?
Me: Grease
Doctor: is that everything?
Me: Most musicals to be honest.
At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.
That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring