Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[driving on familiar, wide back roads with one car every hour or so]

Daughter (11): can we please pull over so I can pet that pony?

Me: ok, fine

SO: don’t get bit!

Son (11): [quickly gets his seatbelt off and opens his door] I’m just getting out to see her get bit!

jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing

george would invest and lose everything

kramer would become a billionaire

elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy

moo deng still has yet to endorse a candidate and that’s so telling wow

“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.

“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.

Expect the unexporcupine.

One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”

Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no

am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise

The Shining is on…

…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.

Hey man, your fly is down. Let me get that for you

My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?

Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.

Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.

Her: How old is he?

Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….

I’m such a sucker for floral print tops and dresses. Am I a middle-aged woman or a tea cup? No one knows.

I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.

Purse Rules:

1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses

2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs

Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.

judge: do u swear to tell the truth

me: dare

judge: what

me: i choose dare instead

judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal

Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*

Old man standing next to me: Ouch!

I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.

every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea

hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him

I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist

And can’t believe that neither of them is even the one with brain worms.

Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.

my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing

I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.

I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies

“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”

“By mistake?”

“Not you as well”.

At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.