“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people
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My kid: Did you know that you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?
Me: Kinda like how your brain chooses to ignore the mess in your room?
*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*
Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —
Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?
HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….
Help end the violence!!!
Eat BACON!!
[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”
Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.
son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet
me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months
Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.
Robber: This is a stick up
Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL
I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…
tourist season
Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf
[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]
Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.
-Bowser K.
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you