“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people
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My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?
Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped
Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
Reasons I wish I was an octopus:
1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.
2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.
3. Stop sign hugs.
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah
I’ve started using a firming serum and have definitely noticed a difference. I’m making firm decisions now.
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon
Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups
They say every piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life expectancy. So according to my math, I should have died somewhere around the spring of 1483.
Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.
I plan on being Batman for Halloween.
And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.
*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.