Let’s walk and talk.

You go that way.

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ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?


Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.


a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion


Me: Raising a family is hard.

Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.

Me: What?

Necromancer: What?


I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.


Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.


[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]