@HomeProbably

Let’s walk and talk.

You go that way.

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@TheToddWilliams

[deathbed]
ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?

@TheWeirdWorld

Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.

@jonnysun

a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion

@Talk_To_The_Hat

Me: Raising a family is hard.

Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.

Me: What?

Necromancer: What?

@Cheeseboy22

I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.

@BadJordon

Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.

@MarfSalvador

[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]

Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS