WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
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a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.
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Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS