“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
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People ask you, “are you crazy”, and then get scared when you answer, “yes”.
Overheard the most hilarious conversation on my morning commute, then realized it was just me talking to myself in my car.
I need a vacation.
I’m going back in time to kill whoever invented the wheel so we never have to hear the phrase ‘circling back’
Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars
*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok
Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?
Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–
Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
Just microwaved some lasagna in an office full of carb-starved women, I feel like I’m in an axe body spray commercial
[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]
PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”
By my second “could we change the subject?” I could feel the job interview going south.
You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
Sitting outside in the dark on the swing and some drunk guy coming from the neighbor’s party is pissing on the tree in front of the house.
I coughed and I heard his pee stop.
ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all
MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?
3: Can I have another cheese slice?
Me: Sure.
3: I won’t squish this one in a ball and put it under the cushion.
Me: This date is going well
Her: Yes
Me: You look sexy as hell
Her: Thank you
Guy she’s on a date with: dude
Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up
this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
Do you think the courtroom bench ever comes loose and the judge is like “wait I actually have the tool for this”
A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan
HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.
☠️☠️☠️
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!