“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
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“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
All of my loved ones know, that if I ever use the phrase
”He seemed nice, but he was a Capricorn” in a call, they need to get the cops involved, ’cause I’ve been kidnapped.
me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…
netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already
Pixar: How did you get past security?
Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-
Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?
Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good
As long as I can dip something in something, I’m happy.
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
“get his ass” is so hilarious. its like the modern version of “seize him”
4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.
6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.
–my dog
[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
live long and prosper!
13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth
When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours
[wife comes out wearing pretty dress]
me: that’s my favorite dress
wife: aww, how swee-
m: take it off
w: but we need to-
m: I wanna wear it
Much like lasagna, I’m just held together by cheese at this point
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
[walks into kitchen]
Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.
Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.