“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
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Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
How does one answer this?
If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!
Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me
my bf is sick and i offered him a cup of throat coat tea and he (extremely blearily) went “throat goat???”
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.
Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for
mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.
Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
“get a dog” they said
“it’ll be fun” they said
yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard
7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka
Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”
Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there
[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]
Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.
1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!
Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.
Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.
It’s kids. I have kids.
WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?
OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2
Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.