Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody
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#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead
The only time I’ll care about Basketball:
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.
The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
yes hello I’d like to exchange my generational trauma for generational wealth please
It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.
oh no, steve’s working tonight
Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.
(Disney Dating Tips)
1.Kidnap Dad
2.Coerce Daughter
3.Awkward music-filled dates
4.Angry mob danger
5.Stockholm Syndrome
-Beauty & the Beast
* gets mugged *
“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”
Date: Do you practice safe sex?
Me: I use the pull out method
Date: That doesn’t work!
Me *pulls out accordion*
Date: I don’t want to have sex with you
Me: It always works
My 4yo keeps calling me ‘young man’ and I corrected him by saying, ‘I’m not a young man, I’m an old woman.’ I feel like he set me up.
Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.
stand with me against insufficient seating
I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.
For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.
My biological clock is wheezing.
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse
Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you
Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
Went on a date once.
He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”
I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”