Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody
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こいつ天才
6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?
Me: They can’t get in.
6: Why not?
Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.
please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.
I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
*turns on broadcast TV*
Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?
*sees Activia ad*
*sees Metamucil ad*
*sees Cialis ad*
I think I have the answer.
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
Me: I prefer the natural look
Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”
Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
first you must answer his riddles
“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.
Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.
I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar