Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”

When I buy a multipack of lip balms, I put one in my purse and scatter the rest randomly around the house to save time from the inevitability of losing them.

Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.

Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.

Him: Please, call me James.

My friend invited us to a party at her country club and for some reason I assumed was a pool party so my whole family showed up in bathing suits and guess what it was NOT a pool party but it was a fancy country club party where everyone was dressed up

[starbucks]

me: can i take some wifi home with me?

barista: um. sure(?)

me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.

Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.

[Spelling bee]

Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-

Contestant:

Moderator: *sweating*

Contestant:

Moderator: forklift

I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.

Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.

What If When You Die They Ask You

“How Was Heaven?”

“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened

Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here

Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.

You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.

Karate and loose meat sandwiches.

Welcome to Sloppy Dojo’s. I’ll be your sensei for this evening.

All salads come with our own roundhouse dressing

NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED

got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there

*exorcism*
DEMON: *roars*
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
PRIEST: …
DEMON: hey now

Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda

You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.

What a relief. Bring on the nukes

*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins

My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’

FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔

If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn

Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.

Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!

Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!

I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult

The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members