Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Chat: “don’t”

Email: “I do not”

Essay of 2,500 words: “Henceforth, I have suddenly discovered that I am now bereft of the ability to do”

My teens hanging with me at 7pm:
19yo: I need to email my professor!
15yo: That’s late for an old person.
19yo: He answered me back!
15yo: Wow! You sure he’s as old as Mom?
Me: Hey!
19yo: No–
Me: Thank you!
19yo: Definitely not as old as Mom!
Me: HEY!

There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”

Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.

we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul

“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”

– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores

Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.

Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.

Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.

Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.

[interview]

“Any special talents?”

I can unlock any fingerprint reader

“By hacking?”

[flashes back to hacking off victims’ fingers] Yes

[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]

“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”

fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!

*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*

Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.

Me: i have one pretty serious symptom

WebMD: that you know of

My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.

Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.

can’t catch a break

I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).

Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap

Ways that I am superior to dolphins:

– Am not afraid of being on dry land

– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet

– Faster at replying to emails

– Know more about the causes of World War 1

– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net

bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road

guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!

bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road

independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas

[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]

NO. DEAR GOD, NO!

I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though

Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow

Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait

I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.

is this how new cars are made??

“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.