Letters from overnight camp be like:
-I am having the best time
-I hate camp I want to come home
-I never want to leave ever
-Please come get me
-Can I extend
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Travel bloggers during quarantine
What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
Me: you need to pick up your Legos
4: can I ask you something first
M:
4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that
M:
4: I think that’s the best plan
M: um, no
4: screams
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?
WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her
[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m in the Secret Service”
Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
[eating paste]
Here’s what I think…
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.
I can’t unsee it now
1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
…
…
…
…
…
…
2015: Taco Emoji!
Why you on this flight to LA?
“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”
What’s it called?
“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”
I was working in the yard.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.
I hit it with a shovel.
I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.
Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.
Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.
Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?
promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up
Me: Can I have $5?
Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?
I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you