Letters from overnight camp be like:
-I am having the best time
-I hate camp I want to come home
-I never want to leave ever
-Please come get me
-Can I extend
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Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED
My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.
Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.
Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.
where do you see yourself in five years?
“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!
*eats 3 fries*
5yo: Can I be done?
At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
Either you’re violently frolicking with me or you’re violently frolicking against me.
My 6yo: (looking outside) It’s raining
My 10yo: but not pouring
Me: and the old man is not snoring
6yo:
10yo:
Me:
6yo: YOU’RE an old man
Me: 😑
Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
Just grow your own
Me: The other day I saw a bottle of wine in my fridge and pet it like it was a dog because I was so happy to see it…wait what was your question?
Them: I asked how being a mom of three boys was going, but I have my answer.
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
Cha-ching is my safe word
Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us
[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.