Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.

Nobody:

Mime:

Mute person:

Fight club member:

Parrot:

Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no

I pride myself on being able to take a joke. That’s how I ended up with so many jokes.

Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn

ME: *lying on deathbed*

DEATH: get off my bed

When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.

You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”

The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.

I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.

[1st date]

HER: I like a guy with good Southern values

ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins

**both sitting at the pub having a beer**

Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?

Friend: I gave up drinking.

Me:

Friend:

Me: No.

Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?

Me: Nicely done.

Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….

Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.

Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.

The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.

People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.

Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse

I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.

My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.

I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support

If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.

how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms

I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.

Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?

Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.

Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.

Hour 43 no smoking:

-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.

Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.

They were right. I woke up this morning to find my house ransacked. My private belongings were tossed everywhere. My electronics are missing. Legos are everywhere, even in my personal office. There’s a pair of tiny blue Crocs by the door. Oh god they’re storming the bedroo-

When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.