Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.

Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?

WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.

it is time once again

I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?

Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.

[MOM GROUP CHATS]

Sadie says practice is at 1.
Maddie told me 12:30.
What color socks should they wear?
I heard it was at 4.
Who is in charge of snack today?
I can’t get Addi there until 2:15.
Kimberleigh has a gluten allergy.

[DAD GROUP CHATS]
Practice at 1.
👍

Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.

If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth

Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.

My wife always complains that I pack too many rocks in my luggage but I’ll be a goddamn hero if the worst should happen and someone needs to spell out SOS.

me: my parents aren’t home

911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw

Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”

Boss: Any ideas to make the workplace better
Me: Alcohol would be nice

Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!

Hagrid: you’re a gizzard Harry

Harry: i’m a what

Hagrid: a blizzard

Harry: a what

Hagrid: a scissors

Harry: what

Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward

[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?

Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers

I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.

🤭

Hey IKEA,

Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.

Me: So after this Imma call you my stentist.

Cardiologist: Ok so no surgery for you.

walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins

walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas

WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.

Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.

Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.

Darling

Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.

“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well

“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”

My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.

What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?

If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.