Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.
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Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
“How’s the diet going?”
I beep when I back up now.
Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that
[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.
[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail
Putting a kid to bed for the 1st time: Let me sing you this sweet lullaby, my sweet, sweet child.
Putting a kid to bed for the 3,680th time: I’ll give you $100 if you go to bed.
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
people keep asking my pregnant ass what my cravings are. when you ask me that question my craving becomes a gun and a double shot of whiskey
My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis
I didn’t mean to gain weight
It happened by snaccident
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
The toughest part of dating a doctor would be how they’re always 45 mins late for dates because the 7 dates they had before yours went long.
Me: YAY! Nice weather is finally here!
Weather: Here are some mosquitos to fight off while you mow your lawn.
if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”
DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
The doctor tried using the stethoscope on CJ and he goes “no no, EYE baby doc” and tried using the stethoscope on the doctor 🤣 doc goes “hey man I worked hard to use this stethoscope, what are your credentials?” Cj goes “im baby” doc goes “ok that’s fair you can go first” 😂😂
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
Waitress: Breakfast is over
Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.
Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.
Me: Okay, eggs then.
Waitress: Bacon or sausage?
Me: …Bacon.
Waitress: Do you want toast?
Me: ….
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime