Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.
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[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!
Me: – die.
I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.
“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.
[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE
5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused
HOW TO TRICK A MAN INTO MARRIAGE
her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church
him: see you there
[at the church]
her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples
him: ahh fine
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed
The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
Me being confident.
I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?
3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
[Calling concert venues across the country]
Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
I have a “baby on board” sticker on my car. No baby right now, I just want people to know I’m a sore loser
If I’m struggling to write new jokes, I find it helps to go on a long walk. Sooner or later I’ll meet someone who hasn’t heard my old jokes.
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright