So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
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IAN: I broke my leg once
ME: I’ve never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood]
THE UNIVERSE: THIS MAN WILL NEVER BREAK A BONE
Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
My coworker just proudly announced that he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus because he an athiest. Uh, sure bro, but also how about because you’re 34?
Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy
Me: I’m too scared to fly
Therapist: You’re more likely to die from a shark attack than a plane crash
Me: OMG SHARKS CAN FLY?
[post sex interview]
reporter: what went wrong out there
me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.
Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?
Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup
Babe, you’re just perfect for me
Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man
*skinny dips into black hole
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.