Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.

I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”

My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”

I cheated on my exam by hiding all the answers in my head and accessing it throughout the test.

Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏

Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.

I’d always wondered what happen to those guys!

INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!

Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit

My kid: My mom drinks all day. She keeps filling up her special cup so she can drink all day. Sometimes she even puts this special powder in her drink too.

Me: IT’S WATER. I DRINK WATER ALL DAY WITH LEMONADE POWDER BECAUSE THE CITRIC ACID KEEPS MY KIDNEY STONES AWAY FFS!!

* Psychic Job Fair *

Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired

Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.

Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.

[Logging in]

• Password must be 6 digits

Me : *Types “6 digits”*

Computer : You are an imbecile.

i will avenge u mr van gogh

Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping

DOCTOR: I have bad news

MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo

a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt

A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.

Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.

I know this now.

[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]

Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986

[Swiss bank]

ME: I’d like to take out a loan

CASHIER: Okay, what kind?

ME: A tober

CASHIER: what?

ME: A toberloan

CASHIER: Are you trying to say Toblerone?

ME: …toberloan

LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed

if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry

what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge

therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no

It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST

Never forget.