Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock

In ancient Egypt a man went around selling burial monuments that didn’t actually exist.

Fortunately people caught on to his pyramid scheme.

If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?

My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks

I got an email from Nigerian spinach.

The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds

Was pretty pleased my 6th grader took a break from hiding in his room gaming w/friends to bike 6 blocks to the library and meet friends.

“So what did you do there?!” I asked eagerly.

“There’s 3 computers in a row so we can all play at once.”

At least he biked 12 blocks?

One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.

‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’

I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!

–she did but she took my phone with her.

I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.

the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud

Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?

Me: *raises hand*

Them: Get out.

So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.

Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”

parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never

I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits

Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.

MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.

I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.

Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”

Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”

A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.

Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆

Called in, “If we’re living in a simulation, just simulate that I’m in the office today.”

* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications

my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote

I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.

Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?

Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?