Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
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[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
True dat! 😂😂😂😂
Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”
Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that
You can’t make this shit up 😩
(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
My goal is to do one thing each day that could prevent me from being elected to political office
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
*getting undressed in front of someone for the first time*
sorry i look like this, i honestly didn’t think i was ever gonna do this again
Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.
Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.
It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”
I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?
Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.
4yo: Why don’t brother and sister listen?
Me: You don’t either!
4yo: I know but this isn’t about me right now
In medieval Europe, it was pretty easy to amass vast armies eager to go into battle and have their heads schwacked off because no one wanted to be alive in medieval Europe.
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible