Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
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If there’s a pistachio that’s difficult to open, I’ll just move right on to another because life is short and so is my god damn temper
CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT THE LAST 4 TIMES:
-Pretended it was a scheduling issue but they knew I was lying
CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT TODAY:
-Protecting the world by not letting a stranger put his fingers in my mouth
Son: dad, where do vegans come from?
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
If you’re walking down the street and see a teenager, don’t panic; just yell “One Direction selfie twerk” and slip away in the confusion.
The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*