@HenpeckedHal

Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.

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@McNevich

If there’s a pistachio that’s difficult to open, I’ll just move right on to another because life is short and so is my god damn temper

@TheAndrewNadeau

CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT THE LAST 4 TIMES:
-Sad
-Embarrassing
-Pretended it was a scheduling issue but they knew I was lying

CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT TODAY:
-Brave
-Iconic
-Protecting the world by not letting a stranger put his fingers in my mouth

@Home_Halfway

The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.

@Reverend_Scott

Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.

@13spencer

If you’re walking down the street and see a teenager, don’t panic; just yell “One Direction selfie twerk” and slip away in the confusion.

@AbbyHasIssues

The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.

@KyleMcDowell86

*rolls up on dance battle*

Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ

*hands out pamphlets*