Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

7-ELEVEN CUSTOMER: Ew! This slurpee machine is full of weird dirt!
MANAGER: Weird dirt? But that means…
*cut to Dracula flailing around in a coffin filled with blue berry blast*

When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.

Mom: my friend wants to set you up with her son, he runs a hedge fund
Me, who heard hedgehog fund: that sounds adorable

“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]

Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.

gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better

[first date]

Him: Let’s take the stairs!

Me: I think we should see other people.

“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.

can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo not

do not @ me i wo not answer

Me: Clean your room.
Daughter: Won’t
Me: Do your homework.
Daughter: Can’t
Me: I’m taking your phone then.
Daughter: DON’T

16 years later & the contractions are still coming every 10 seconds

“I can’t lie to you”

You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me

You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.

It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.

Ma’am, it’s moving.

I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!

I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.

Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?

Dad: that should’ve been you

Me: Not now Dad

Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health

Me: Dad, there’s an emergency

Dad: use your “always special” cheat code

Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight

I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.

I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.

[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan

omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions

Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.

Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.

[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks

Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.

As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.

I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.

GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.

ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.

GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”

ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.

ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building

so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?

As a 14 yr old in the 80s updates about emergency school closures were phoned in to the local radio stations. There was no verification on your identity and the notice was read out in good faith. So staff & pupils can thank me for the extra snow day off in 1980. You’re welcome.

Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.

My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.