Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.
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If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?
Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.
And live by myself.
My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]
My medical alert bracelet says, “You can’t kill her. We’ve already tried. Like 7 times”
*power walks to the refrigerator*
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.
You know when kids get a break at school and they go to the playground and they just run around and scream?
I think I should be allowed to do that in the car park at work
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
There’s a tree outside my window that sounds like a ventriloquist doll scraping it’s tiny fingers across the wall when it’s windy at night. Yeah, it’s definitely the tree. Definitely the tree
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*
People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.
Anyone know how to get a drunk 52 year old dude stuck in a kids booster seat out?
In other news I’m also not allowed at this Applebee’s anymore.
I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid
Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.