Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.

Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.

Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.

See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.

Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”

Deer are just ballerina dogs

Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.

The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.

Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.

When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy

My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.

Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.

Barista: Name?

Me: Ursula

Barista: With an E?

Me: no, U

If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic

I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.

Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life

Dog: that is correct

Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck got engaged, broke up, married other people, had children, reunited, got married, broke up again, and I’ve been single that whole time.

My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house

why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf

#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬

In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.

HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!

HEATHER: You wanna bet?

It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.

This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.

Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.

0/10. Do not recommend.

“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”

~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp

Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.

I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.

A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.

me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-

*elephant charges and runs me over*

me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles

*elephant trumpets*

Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?

Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.

No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!

[My dog watching me floss]

Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute

Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds