Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.
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[dinner at fergie’s house]
fergie: what do you think of the food i made?
me: it’s ok
fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?
*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*
I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.
I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!
Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.
The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.