Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.
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“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”
– “We should call it AAAA!”
“You’re fired.”
I planned to leave my body to the local medical school for them to train on and practice with, but the students successfully petitioned against it as a gross violation of their human rights.
50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years
me: you want to lose your mind?
BM: yes
me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children
BM: right
me: ah, I see the difficulty
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:
[6 AM]
Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.
12: This apple tastes funny.
Me: That’s because it’s a peach.
Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.
The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”
Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”
Great seizure this morning! We found 10 kg of c*****e in a statue. The 9kg of c*****e was weighed and bagged and, I can tell you, 7kg of c*****e took a fair few bags. We’ll hand the 4kg to the police after analysing the 2kg first. Well done Customs on finding the 300 grams!
dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
At a business meeting:
“How about SuperCupid?”
“No, expectations will be too high”
“GreatCupid?”
“Lower”
“Uhhh, OKCupid?”
“Brilliant”
one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it
[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo
My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.
I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them
If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.