Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.
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4 year old has a new bit where he pretends to have a fatal scooter accident. it’s very funny but the other patrons of the farmer’s market seemed alarmed
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.
[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
Mmmmm white people
– sharks
When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”
Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?
Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.
Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes
“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.
me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
i used the “😭” emoji in a work chat and the manager of a separate department got upset about it and said this to my boss about me
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
In 1949 a US senator attempted to ban popcorn in cinemas. During a Senate hearing about it, another senator handed out free popcorn. The law was never passed.
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
Can’t stop laughing
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”