Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
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Crow just flew by me carrying a whole bagel in his mouth and I cheered at the sky like my son just won a sports scholarship
“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
HIM: I eat guys like you for breakfast.
ME: I don’t underst—it’s 2:15, you can’t have breakfast now.
HIM: No, like, I’m threatening you.
ME: For tomorrow?
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
[in court during a murder trial]
hotdog vendor: HOOTTT DOOGGG
me: right here
Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?
Darth: You should not have come back, old man.
Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.
People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
[police lineup]
Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”
Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]
Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here
Server: That’s a croque monsieur
M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.
You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.
I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time
Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.
I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
be careful
You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don’t even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven’t been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?
I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.
Everything is arbitrary to kids so you can invent any rule you want, just present it as a normal rule. We wear a seatbelt in the car. We wear a helmet on our bike. We wear a disguise to the bank
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.