Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
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Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
*trying to write a journal article*
*submits a manuscript that just says “around the world” 144 times because it worked for Daft Punk*
[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!
She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?
Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-
6: Is that because you keep giving it away??
Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”
I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
I took some free community martial arts lessons for self-defense, but I’m starting to think Tai Chi is too slow for most muggers.
I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.
Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.
There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?
Person: Home decor is a niche market.
Me: Baked flan with a savory filling thickened with eggs is a quiche market.
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!
First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n
Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?
Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!
Captain: *sniff* Yarrr
A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.