Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row

Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.

My three-hour meeting ended 18 minutes early and the leader told us all to “enjoy that free time, take care of ourselves and relax” like she had just given us all free weeklong Princess cruises

Just how popey was the pope today?

I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.

For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”

Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist

mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday

I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie

I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”

You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.

💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?

Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.

It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.

“Can I have $20?”

-how teenagers say hello

Spell check is for lasers.

Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.

Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”

[ Pirate ship stricken with scurvy ]

Pirate: yarrrr when is life gonna be givin me those f****n’ lemons.

Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for

I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.

Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.

*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*

New comic up. “Ransom”

My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead

Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.

I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate

My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.

If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.

this is what they would have looked like, though