Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
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Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
Me: Have fun on your date.
Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?
Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?
Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.
My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat
Me: it’s literally a suitcase on a chair
My cat: it’s perfect I love it
My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.
Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.
Whenever I see a lone shoe on the road I figure someone’s foot has been raptured
God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.
Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.
[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water
If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.
“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
Overheard:
The one thing we’ve learned from this crisis is that if the Martians invaded earth, our first response would be to lower interest rates.
Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine