Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it

“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”

-Families making Christmas plans in 2020

[therapy]

WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter

ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny

Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.

my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards

Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.

9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?

Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah

Top 3 questions asked by my parents:

3) How’s the business?

2) Do you have a girlfriend?

1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?

“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”

– Call Center Training

$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.

They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.

Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend

I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal

How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling

Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.

[first time skydiving]

me: oh no my charcuterie board

The dog I’m sitting got ahold of a plastic knife and was threatening to eat it, I had to offer her my whole breakfast in exchange for her dropping it, and then I realized I had just literally been held up at knifepoint by a dog over some scrambled eggs

So many things changing daily.

For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.

Was just walking along when I got news that caused me to clasp my hands over my face in gentle despair, at which point a passing teen with impeccable timing shouted ‘Peekaboo!’ at me.

.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.

ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…

I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke

Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal

*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence

9: Yummm! What’s that smell?

Me: Cereal

I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.

ME: you really put the cute in executione-

WARDEN: alright hit the switch

Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.

[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me

I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”

It’s 11:15 pm.