Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet

Friend: slim fast?

Me: wine

[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go

I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.

I’m old, but I’m not against new music. Have you guys heard of The Police? They’re awesome

Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.

Donuts have holes in them just like acoustic guitars but that’s pretty much where the similarities end

[summoning the devil]

me: come to us!

satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?

mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-

me: mom get out!

satan: susan is that you?

mom: oh my god! satey?

satan: unholy shit how long’s it been?

*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people

Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets

god: ..and this part is your crust

earth: i’m a pizza 🙂

god: no that’s-

earth: everybody loves pizza 😀

god: but

earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)

god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing

Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!

Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts

Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy

I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.

Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.

Me: Daddy’s going out today. So I’ll see you tomorrow.

Kids: Okay!
———————————
Mummy: I’m going upstairs to pee.

Kids: NOOOOOO!!! WHYYYYY?!?! AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! THE WORLD IS ENDIIIIIING!!!

i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.

ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man

[At Pharmacy]

Pharmacist: This medi…

Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.

Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.

How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?

“Sir, this is a liquor store.”

When I was a kid, we weren’t allowed to use our phones in school.

Mainly because the cords wouldn’t reach.

I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.

If the old Superman cartoon had been made today, the first guy who thought the thing up in the sky was a bird would have doubled down on his mistake.

“Oh sure, the mainstream media will tell you that Superman isn’t a bird, but I’ve done my own research…”

SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels

[later]

SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit

The guy I’m training thinks he’s going to take my job by undermining me, listen, buddy, you can have it.

[ninja warrior]

HOST: First up we have… Oh-

ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]

Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.

[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here

[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”

If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!

*My wife being frustrated by my kids*

Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?

8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?

How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?