Levels of ceiling fan:
-Hurricane
-On .. ish
-How do I turn this off? maybe it’s on.. wait, is it almost off? no it’s still on
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Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
MICK JAGGER:♪Brown sugar…how come ya taste so good♪
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Sucrose ingestion causes a surge in the brain’s dopamine receptors
Excuse me but would you sign my petition to ban asking people to sign petitions?
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”
Trinity: but why though
Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”
The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
much to think about
I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.
“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
Me: I really like your glasses. They’re so cute.
Cashier: I like yours too.
Me: Oh, thank you. I need them to see.* I need them to see?!? I shouldn’t be allowed to speak 😂
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?
Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?
Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…
My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”
If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can
Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.
Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.
All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.