Levels of ceiling fan:
-Hurricane
-On .. ish
-How do I turn this off? maybe it’s on.. wait, is it almost off? no it’s still on
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Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am
me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling
He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
me: i’m proposing to my gf
sonic the hedgehog: that’s awesome man
me: i need a ring lol
sonic: *nervous* haha
me: *pulling out a baseball bat*
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
I don’t think my family will ever accept me.
First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”
The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom
FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
ME: for like important stuff i guess
CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs
ME: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
ME: she did what
Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
May I pay you handsomely, good sir?
-Why yes you may.
*opens wallet*
*pulls out Ryan Gosling*
ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?
OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther