Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.

I think my husband is beginning to suspect

Sometimes, when he’s really pissed me off, I like to log into his Netflix account and rate every romantic teen drama five stars.

You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.

Had that dream again where I was the Pied Piper…but I was playing the saxophone and all the moms in the neighborhood were following me around.

i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on

Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live

Me: is there anything you can do?

Doctor: I can juggle

Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that

Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks

CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.

It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones

I had to show my contempt by grunting

My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.

People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.

I love when men go on diets they will be like let me go for the healthy option.. the buffalo chicken quesadilla

I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk

My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées

Me: What does that cloud look like to you?

3-year-old: A cloud.

Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?

3-year-old: Rain.

Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.

Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.

My kids: What’s a telephone cord?

Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺

Do you ever think about how great it would be to be a cat? Just have a bad attitude all the time, knock stuff off tables, scratch tf out of people, then just turn your belly up for rubs… but not too many rubs, no no

How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.

Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.

Mothra: [flying around]

Godzilla: [waving a rolled up magazine]

My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.

…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.

Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on

Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.

Then I thought of you.

This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.

Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!

“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates

*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*