Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.

Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.

me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”

friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”

me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”

me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world

genie: ok [snaps fingers]

me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed

genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly

“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”

*gets into trouble*

Trouble: Wrong hole.

When I was a little girl, I always dreamed of growing up to satisfy user needs in a way that meets business goals for transformative outcomes

Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.

The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.

Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.

Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.

I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time

Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.

The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.

Every haunted house movie:

*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*

Cashier: “Are you moving?”

Me: “No, why?”

Tuesday

Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.

Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’

I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.

Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex

[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon

2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer

me: did you know there’s a complex named after you

oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?

me:

oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?

babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me

You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.

[on a plane]

Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”

Me: “Sure, can I have two?”

*puts one in each ear*

you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and

shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.

so you jump to death from the check-out desk.

me: any idea how my house burned down?

detective: fireworks

me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does

If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing

How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom

my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]

me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT