*brings knife to gunfight*
*knife used to cut pizza*
*pizza served & differences resolved*
*last slice up for grabs & gunfight ensues*
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Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
brian had himself a morning…
I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.
Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”
Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions
recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro
cilantro at the store: here’s a bouquet. i’ll be rotten tomorrow
My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.
righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
If I ever suddenly drop dead during a covert McDonald’s lunch visit, my wife gonna be so pissed when she finds that untouched cucumber and hummus sandwich in my backpack.
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
Nan swears blind she heard a miaowing from next door’s garden. She miaowed back.
The cat miaowed.
She miaowed back.
This continued for minutes.
She walks down the garden to the end.
Looks over the fence.
Still miaowing.
Sees her neighbour miaowing back at her.
I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
Watching Celebrity Jeopardy must be stressful for the people who run the charities. Imagine missing out on $30,000 because Christopher Meloni doesn’t know his state capitals.
Bad Coroner: This guy you brought in a few days ago, I think I know how he died. The last thing he ate was spaghetti with bullets in it.
When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.