@_davidlucas_

Leviticus 20:13 legalises gay marriage and marijuana:

“If a man lays with another man he should be stoned”.

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@amishschool

Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:

“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”

@ElliceRocks

Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?

@treydayway

The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.

@WilliamRodgers

“Age is just a number”

…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account

@TheBoydP

Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.

@torrami

Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.

@ArfMeasures

God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago

Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha

God *creates salt*

@TheFaceOfDave

“It wasn’t such a GOOD FRIDAY for Jesus, if you think about it.” -Every youth pastor today.

@wendchymes

Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”

So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.