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I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
Nobody:
My 6yr old talking to himself on the toilet: everyday I gotta get up for school. & then everyday I’m gonna have to get up for work. When does it end. Did I ask for this? No. I don’t remember that I asked for this. I asked for rest and legos and French toast.
My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too
I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate
As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
FIRST GUY TO RECEIVE A LETTER IN AN ENVELOPE: oh I get it she wrapped up a piece of paper in…. another piece of paper
My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
*closes window*
i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks
Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
alfred: you have emphysema
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman: oh
alfred:
batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
only 11 steps left
Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
The nurse said she needed some urine to test for potassium. “K,” I said. Silence. “I bet everyone makes that joke,” I say. She’s like “In 15 years of nursing not one person has made that joke”
They ALWAYS scream at you when it’s raining like it’s your fault😂
Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?
Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?
Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.