You Might Also Like
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue
I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat
my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
Do not go gentle into that good night,
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
i finally quit drinking for good
now i drink for evil
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.
This pretty much sums up my life choices.
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
ME: what came first the chicken or the egg
FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you
My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
Waking up has backfired on me so many times
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid
[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
“I Got a new dress for date night!”
Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*
“This is the garment bag you idiot”
Times when calories don’t count:
1. Finishing the rest of your kid’s dinner
2. Taking Mom/Dad tax when you give your kid a snack
3. Spoons of Mac N Cheese straight from the pot
4. Any stress eating related to something your kid did
New tinder profile pic
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
Might run for office so everyone can see how skinny I was back in college.
I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING
“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
“Fair enough.
Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character
i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time
The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.