I finally wore the shirt my boyfriend bought for me last Christmas and he asked if I was wearing a new shirt and that my friends is what relationships are all about
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Ghost Hunting Camera: *shows me standing unnaturally still for 2 hours*
Me: *deep breath and picks up phone* Hi! I’d like to place order me a pizza? SHIT *click*
i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal
Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.
I love the word placebo, but it lacks something
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.
Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
If Mona Lisa was on Instagram
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.
There’s a disturbance in the coffee.
Me: 5, 4, 3..
Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”
Me: 2, 1, 0
Kid 1 {Scream crying}
Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”
Friend: “Oh.”
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.
Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.
[child gets stuck in claw machine]
Me: [calls husband] “Hi honey, you’re not going to believe this, but I found us a babysitter for this evening.”
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.