Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Santa baby, slip some mental stability under the tree, for me

[hospital]

“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”

WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS

DAD: I’M UP

Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.

Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.

*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*

Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones

I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles

when robert pattinson was introduced to snapchat filters

Disgusting if literal: Liverpool

The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.

Dog outside: Hey! Listen up all you losers! I’m the coolest dog on this block! No one is smarter or funnier than me! Get used to it!

My dog from the window: THAT’S! NOT! TRUE! Who said that?! Show yourself! I think you’re awful!!

*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.

[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though

The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.

Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.

this year felt like being awake during surgery

Big brouhaha at the farmer’s market today when the fishstand guy set up next to the candle lady and no one could smell her candles and her boyfriend the homemade soap guy tried to intervene but ended up buying a fresh cut salmon.

Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull

I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.

I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.

“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.

I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.

Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.

My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”

Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.

I optimistically invited guests for this weekend while my house was unusually clean and now a week later I see why that was a mistake

The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.

Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.

*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”

If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.

In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.

Her: Hi! How’ve you been?
Me: Great! You?
Her: So good! Family?
Me: Great! Yours?
Her: Good!
Me: Let’s catch up soon.
Her: Definitely! Call me.

Husband: Who was that?
Me: I have no idea.