Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
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FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
Sometimes I’ll buy one of those really big bags of posh Tyrells Crisps and think “why, this amount of crisps will last me three, maybe four days?”. But then I will sit down with the big bag of crisps, and I will enter into what might medically be referred to as a “crisp trance”.
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
Watching Celebrity Jeopardy must be stressful for the people who run the charities. Imagine missing out on $30,000 because Christopher Meloni doesn’t know his state capitals.
[inventing flies]
GOD: make them eat shit
ANGEL: got it
GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world
ANGEL: ok who hurt you?
Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.
Now, where’s the sport in that?
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
[kitchen]
SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.
I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
*shrugs*
*swipes right*
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
*visits random websites just for the cookies*
[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
“Charlie, I want a divorce.”
[in a black robe sacrificing a chicken on a satanic blood alter] Why?
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put