Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
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If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.
POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
Wasn’t this a cartoon.
My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.
My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.
“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”
“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”
[1st date]
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.
Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
My daughter has been super nice lately and encouraging me to take naps so I can rest and I just discovered that while I’ve been doing that she’s been slowly decimating my secret candy stash
If you drink enough tequila you’re just an open bar for vampires
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast
My half brother moved out from living with his parents, and after a couple days, phones my dad and says, “I wasn’t sure if it was too soon to call.”
My dad, “Son, you moved out. We didn’t break up.”
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.
therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?
satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”
therapist: that’s not so bad
satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
As a kid Popeye was my hero. I’d stare at canned spinach and longed to eat it so I could be as strong as him. One day I stole a can from my grandma and with sweet anticipation took my first bite ever only to find out it tasted like… well canned spinach. Crime doesn’t pay kids.