Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
You Might Also Like
What do you mean I can’t get a refund on this broken lamp?
Ma’am you bought it from my yard sale a year ago! *slams door*
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
This is my emotional support Jurassic Park Burger King watch
GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!
ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.
Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
“I think I have ADHD, doc”
why?
“I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford”
that’s not-
“yeah I keep losing my Focus”
get out of my office
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.
Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Wife: stop.
Exercise won’t cure your depression, but it will make you hotter than your ex. Which is sort of the same thing.
Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story
My 10 y/o daughter checked my wife’s Fitbit and she “didn’t move enough last night to be Santa Claus” and I still don’t have a “real beard” so it appears the old man will be back next year.
My zodiac sign is pistachio
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
Dear Aliens,
Now would be a good time.
Thanks!
I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.
Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.
Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.
Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk
There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.
man found with dozens of heads in his trunk during routine traffic stop
