Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
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5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.
Me: Aw.
5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.
“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”
[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out
“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline
I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too
Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
[planning heist]
Me: then we access the vault
Guy: I don’t think they have a vault
Me [mocking]: yeah I bet they jus leave the Mcflurrys out
Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
ME: And this is my daughter.
HIM: Aww, she’s adorable. Did you name her after the movie?
ME: *Holding my daughter, Air Bud: Golden Receiver* What movie?
Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me
The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.
DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
This is no longer an app but a mishapp