@Brentweets

Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.

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@Bollingmargaret

3 year old daughter: “I want marijuana.”
Me: “What did you say?”
3 year old: “Marijuana.”
Me: “Huh? I don’t know what you’re asking for.”
3 year old gets remote and turns on Netflix and points to movie.
Me: “OOOHHH…Moana!”

@LeviathanPride

Does North Korea remember what happened the last time a country attacked Hawaii?

@ThisOneSayz

*orders large pizza*

*opens box*

“Let’s do this…wait”

“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.

@runawaycupcake

If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.

@TomJonesN

At my age Friends with Insurance Benefits sounds just as appealing.

@HungoverLawyer

Ladies: We leave the toilet seat up because we don’t want to touch it any more than you do.

@FattMernandez

I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!

@Book_Krazy

Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”

Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”

@MsCarlissima

My car starts to hydroplane. I let go & whisper, “Do it. Become the plane you’ve always dreamed of. I love you.”

*Soft kiss*

@5hael

My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark