Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
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DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-
ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers
Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.
My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*
Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!
ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium
Me: 0mg
Therapist accidentally sent me her cat
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out
her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy
me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy
her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it
At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.
[What I think he saw]
Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.
[What he actually saw]
Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.
seems like a niche market
I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.