Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.

A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.

*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*

The Pasta:

My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.

She hates bananas.

My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.

I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.

My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.

Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.

I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.

Morpheus: Take the blue pill, story ends

Neo:

Morpheus: Red pill, stay in wonderland

Neo:

Morpheus: Green pill, you learn to juggle

Neo: What-

Morpheus: This purple one is a skittle

People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.

the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling

Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.

PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.

Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!

SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?

ME: You’re an uber!

SON: No, with your phone

ME: Oh, sorry [types]

SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”

I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.

Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*

Her: um you’re not wearing the costume

Me: pretty strong though

[after explaining speed limit signs]

5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits

When I laugh on my period

[prison]

So, what are you in for?

*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*

“Attempted murder”

Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.

[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.

“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.

[trying to select cells in a table]
ME: alright, I just need A1 to A20
EXCEL: got it *scrolling*
ME: easy does it
EXCEL: …A15, we’re almost there!
ME: yep, let’s bring it in nice and slow
EXCEL: *breathing heavily*
ME: do not
EXCEL: oops
ME:
EXCEL: A7510
ME: f-in A7510

I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport

I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.

Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?

My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.

Me: …

Him: …

Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.

Him: How have you lived this long?

Whoever invented the envelope was cooking. Need more office supplies I can lick

If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone