Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
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[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]
person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
[voice recognition in car]
Car: “please say a command”
Me: “call Tim”
Car: “calling Sarah Marcogliese”
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.
Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
A doctor, a nurse and myself inspecting a patient
Doctor: The symptoms don’t make sense.
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like this before
Me: I don’t even have a guess
Patient: Oh God what am I supposed to tell my family then?
Me: Tell them that women find you fascinating?
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]
Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car.
I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.
Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.
caveman: can I use some of that fire?
caveman who invented it: why?
caveman: im gonna burn glorg house down
caveman who invented it: no that’s arson
[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn’t)
9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?
Him: Um..uh…I’m just setting my alarm
9: Oh. Okay. G’night. (Walks out)
Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he’s going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?
“What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”
Well I sure as shit felt better at 21 so imma call bullshit
I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.
I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time