Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
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Me: is there anything on my face
Him: no you’re good
[15 minutes later]
Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair
Him: you didn’t ask about your hair
Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
[a real exchange I had with my wife who was working in the garden]
Me, poking my head around the corner of the house: I’m going to the bank, need anything while I’m out?
Wife: what?
Me, louder: I’m going to the bank
Wife: what?
Me: I’M LEAVING YOU
Wife: ok
6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea
her: what’s your fantasy?
me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me
her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy
me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
[cats at shelter]
Where’s Frank?
“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
that wasn’t the question
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you
Cats: no it’s murder
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
somewhere, in an alternate universe
Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.
[Yelp Customer Review]
Bill’s Wild West Saloon
Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.