Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Wrench factory]
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *

I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.

a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class

The problem with spices is sometimes they are not what you want, what you really really want…

the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you

Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.

Would you like the feathers too?

#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.

My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.

Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.

KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?

BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…

Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?

i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”

It’s getting harder and harder for movie theatres to compete with home viewing options. They need to adapt to stay relevant. One suggestion: if you zone out and miss what’s happening you should be able to yell at the projectionist and get them to rewind the movie for you a bit

If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.

I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.

here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos

I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁

How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb?

8 to reassure the public
7 to blame the other side
5 to form a conspiracy
3 to debate its importance
2 to sabotage the lightbulb
1 to screw the lightbulb into the toilet bowl and declare the problem solved

I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.

I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep

i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t

34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time

God: so you shoot them with the arrows

Cupid: yes

God: and then they fall in love

Cupid: right

God: with other compatible people

Cupid: uh well-

God: who will love them back

Cupid:

God:

Cupid: sure

My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?

When William Shakespeares first wrote the bible, he called the four horsemen of the apocalypse Smelt, Dealt, Denied & Supplied.

I’m getting totally fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £9 an hour parking – always whining.

Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.

Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush

My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.

She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.

I’ll handle zombies.

Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”

Me: “Fred or Ben?”

Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.