LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes
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Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.
Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?
“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world
WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*
I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.
wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly
Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.
“I’m still a virgin”
-theres plenty of fish in the sea
“Ur right. I’ll find someone”
-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no
BANK TELLER: you’re an awful robber
ME: i’m not sure how to take that
BANK TELLER: exactly
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?
In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it
My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*
genie: you have three wishes
me: nightvision goggles
genie: dope
me: the only pair on the planet
genie: many people will be affected
me: now kill the sun
genie: dude
If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.
First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.