Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:

Salmon mousse
Basil foam
Strawberry dust
Parmesan air

Where does it end?

Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots

Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.

friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.

[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*

ME: let me be frank

DAD: [eyes widen]

ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed

DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed

Flying is a luxury experience in the same way as getting a colonoscopy is one.

You realize you are privileged to be able to afford it, but that doesn’t make it feel good.

Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me

Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea

Me: ooo I love diarrhea

You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.

firefox refused to restore my session that i’ve had going for 2+ years….

over 7k tabs down the drain….

Sometimes when I’m looking up restaurant reviews and comparing menus I think to myself… “that light was green right?”

“No problem at all, the food was delicious in the end, thank you, well worth the wait!”

Translation: I won’t be coming to this restaurant again.

A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.

If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.

We didn’t think of the ecosystem when we abolished Mondays. Dying of starvation, we watch as our crops are devoured by millions of Garfields

me, speaking to my daughter’s class on the importance of eating your vitamins: one time i got lost in the forest for so long i dropped dead & a sheepdog ate my carcass.
some smart aleck kid: if you died then how are you here right now?
me: {i look him square in the eyes} vitamins

I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.

If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.

Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”

Papa Seal: Son, is your fractured flipper feeling any better?

Baby Seal: Daddy, it really hurts! Can’t you give me some Tylenol for the pain??

Papa Seal: I wish I could, son, but it said “Do not use if seal is broken.”

The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.

Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!

I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around

As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.

the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever

[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.

Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.

Investing in beetcoin

I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.

So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.

A Black Mirror episode where you wake up and all TV & movie actors are Tom Hanks. In fact, everyone you know is now played by Tom Hanks. You go crazy and live out your life in an insane asylum. At your funeral, your rising soul looks down at your casket, where Tom Hanks lies dead