LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes
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Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
computer: enter new password
me: munster
computer: password must be stronger
me: limburger
computer: stronger
me: Jake Paul
computer: stronger
me: AxeBodySpray
computer: password is too strong
Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
*Daycare drop off*
4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.
I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.
My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
HONEY I ACCIDENTALLY FILLED THE BABY’S BOTTLE WITH RED BULL
Oh god, is he sick
HE’S GOT ME IN A HEAD LOCK AND IS SAYING I’M A NERD. CALL 911
I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared
“Can you put it all in an email?”
Translations:
1. I haven’t been listening
2. I have been listening and what you’re saying is important, but I simply won’t remember it all
3. I have been listening but you’re going on a bit and I’d like you to go away now
4. I want a…
People on dating apps always say they’re looking for a “partner in crime”, but when you try to organise a cock fighting tournament in their living room they suddenly “need to check with their landlord”. I already bought the roosters.
customer: have you worked here a long time
me, a waiter: 14 years sir
customer: wow ok what do you recommend
me: finishing college
since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.