Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[emergency]

[super hero appears]

GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!

HERO: I…I don’t know

the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”

Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.

just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy

Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.

[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.

You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.

I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.

[Spills wine]

“My medicine!!”

What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.

I discovered last night that I’m quite adept at finely slicing carrots and my fingers.

kidnappers: get in the car

me: i want to sit in front

devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday

Me: No guts, no glory.

Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.

Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.

FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.

“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”

I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.

Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy

wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no

Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry

{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor

What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?

(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!

When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.

holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV

My biggest fear about being on death row is having to choose a last meal. “I don’t know, what do you want?”

Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders

“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”

“Yes. Get out!”

With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line