Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.

Don’t judge me for my toddler eating a chicken nugget for lunch. Judge me for not knowing where the chicken nugget came from.

I have this recurring nightmare where I’m vegan and religiously doing crossfit, but I’m stuck on a deserted island and there is no one to tell.

My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy

People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.

Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.

HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan

[Oreo meeting]

What about ‘sextuple stuffed’

“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”

[later googling Sextuple]

“Omg that’s genius”

Me: Why did I walk in this room?

My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.

I think they need to come up with an explanation for these massive bat ear things other than Batman likes to pretend he’s a bat. Like there should be a scene where he explains it’s for wifi so he doesn’t use all his monthly data.

Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.

Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop

*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable

7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.

me: SHARK

lifeguard: omg where

me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name

*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*

me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE

My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like, “ma’am, it’s 100 degrees out here, and you don’t have a proper refrigeration system in place, so we’re gonna have to shut you down”

Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.

(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread

Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs

4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*

Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*

4: don’t want to talk about it anymore

The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.

Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.

told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life

Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.

Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.

I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.

Not to brag but my Motorola flip top phone still has the same full charge since 96′

Essential oils? You mean WD40?

So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.