Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I was just killing time

Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim

horrifying if literal: the electric slide

you could not pay me to delete this app

Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.

[checking IMDb while watching Planet of The Apes] …oh, the zoo! That’s what I know him from!

The only thing I miss about eating meat is the enticing stickers on the packages. I want an avocado labeled “choice cut” or some prime tofu.

@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.

I’m ready to try another planet.

Sitting on the porch late one night. A fox steals up and settles quietly next to me. Pearl divers don’t hold their breath as long as I do.

As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat

It’s funny how my husband always talks me into going out to eat on the days I say I’m making salad for dinner.

“I need a woman who can help me grow”

First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.

“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”

~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”

No thanks, guy selling ribeyes from a box truck in the mall parking lot. I learned my lesson from the “Shrimp purchased from the trunk of a Corolla parked on the side of the road” incident of 1997.

All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.

Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.

Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach

that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.

I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me

[first day as car salesman]
Customer: electric windows?
Me, taps window: glass
Customer: break horse power?
Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits
Customer: 4 wheel drive?
Me, quickly counts: yup
Customer: manual?
Me: in the glove box

[on first date]

Let me get that for you.

*holds door open*

“May I help you, sir?”

Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…

My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….

Flirting is easy!

My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:

A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or

can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude

I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed

Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious

16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come

COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake

the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10

Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.

Me: My heart is full.

Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.