Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician
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When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?
Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.
Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)
My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?
As someone who was born in August, I find the word leotard extremely offensive.
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
what do you want!!!!!!!!
Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.
Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.
Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of
-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?
It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.
And also the truth that you’re a moron.
What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.
I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.
Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.