Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician
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Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.
Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?
I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.
8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.
JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
I didn’t have time to change clothes before a surprise business meeting so I had to meet with them dressed in jeans & a t shirt with a flying saucer on the front with “I want to leave” in big letters under it. (Everyone else wore a suit.) It went fine but I’m still laughing.
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to
I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.
my google home just took a command from the movie I was watching and said “got it, now playing ‘I’m the one’ by DJ Khaled featuring Justin Bieber” and when I said STOP it stopped playing the movie I was watching. Everything is insane
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?
“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share
I can always tell what part of my cycle I’m in by how concerned my friends are over my tweets
i want that job where u push scared skydivers out of the plane
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito
*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*
The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
only eating apples so worms can better understand the housing crisis
*chomping on a cookie*
Girl Scouts can’t run very fast
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
today my daughter’s preschool teacher told me she was going to separate my kid and her bff because “they’re codependent and fall apart without each other.” like ok thanks mrs smith, where were you when I was dating in my twenties
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.