Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician
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All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?
TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.
STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.
Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist
I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.
Judge, “Why are you holding a fire extinguisher?”
Me, “Your Honor, it’s for our protection. The witness won’t stop lying and I am afraid we may need this at any moment.”
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”
are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75Who decided to play Jumanji?
13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”
Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear
Him: cuts ear off
Her: I just wanted u to listen to me
Him: nah, I’m good
3: *wakes up before her brother* Mommy, I slept faster!
Me: In sleeping the winner is the one who sleeps slower
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes