Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
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Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
If she didn’t reply to any of your 20 texts, she probably doesn’t have good cell service. Definitely don’t stop texting her
I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday
JUVENAL: Who watches the Watchmen?
ME: I did. It was good.
JUVENAL: No, you’re missing the point.
ME: Well I know there was a lot of subtext, but I think I understood it.
*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper
Listen up, guys
Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
Cop: Have you been drinking?
Me: *sips beer
Cop: That was stupid.
Me: So was your question.