Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@LaneSperkus

Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.

Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!

@SortaBad

Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*

@JeffMyspace

When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.

@J0hnnyBlaze

If she didn’t reply to any of your 20 texts, she probably doesn’t have good cell service. Definitely don’t stop texting her

@ADHDeanASL

I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday

@TheAndrewNadeau

JUVENAL: Who watches the Watchmen?

ME: I did. It was good.

JUVENAL: No, you’re missing the point.

ME: Well I know there was a lot of subtext, but I think I understood it.

@fro_vo

*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper

@sageboggs

Listen up, guys

Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose

@thedadvocate01

Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.

@B_poling82

Cop: Have you been drinking?
Me: *sips beer
Cop: That was stupid.
Me: So was your question.