Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
You Might Also Like
but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
“You said, and I quote, ‘Make me a bowl of food.’”
“This is why no one likes you, Jeff.”
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
There is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul, even if it’s cold, over ice, with a celery stalk and vodka.
DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?
NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
Papa Bear: this is the best porridge ever? What’s the secret ingredient?
Mama Bear: remember that whiny brat that kept complaining about the temperature?
FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*
JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic
I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.
This 4th of July, please remember…
I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
Hubby installed a secondary rain drop shower head so now we have 2 modes.
1) Acupuncturist
2) Drowning
[horror movie in 2169]
The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE
[entire audience faints]
when you tell me to do something I was already about to do
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count
Sing it!
“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
“This Tweet has been deleted.”
A thread 🧵
