Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
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I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo
*family screams*
SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people
Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice
These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…
…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.
I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t tripDon’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again– me running up the stairs
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”
Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time
Me: *Posing nude for the first time*
Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
dinner should come out of a hose in the kitchen at a specific time each day and it’s coming out whether you’re there to catch it or not
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
[white house staff meeting]
Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*
Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
Got kicked out of Scale Model Club for suggesting we change our name to the Itty Bitty City Committee.
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?