Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶

My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.

[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no

[last supper]

jesus: from now on it’s called dinner

I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.

I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive

On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.

Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice

[later]

Date: hi
Me: 69

[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*

My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure

[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day

Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.

Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.

Fight for your dreams.

Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.

*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not

Storm about to blow in, very windy, out in my yard talking to neighbor

Neighbor: *talking, shifts*

Me: *shifts, too, talking*

N: *moves, keeps talking*

M: *moves, too, keeps talking*

N: Why are you copying me? Wait…Are you using me to block the wind?

Me: Yes

N: *laughing*

My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you

I forgot to buy sacrificial goats for the eclipse on Monday (stupid!!) but then I remembered I can just log into this app and find an unlimited supply of virgins.

[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.

One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.

Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.

Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land

a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin

It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.

worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost

Reading that the economy is good while perusing 1 bedroom apartments being rented for 5,000 dollars a month and looking at jobs that pay 31,000 dollars a year.

Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.

People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?

I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.

You did. You thought of vanilla with meat, you absurd rutabaga. Go put yourself in the corner and think about what you’ve done, while blaming the recipe author for your own stupidity.
(Recipe was for Hamburger Steak with Onions and Gravy)