Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
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After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
[planning heist]
Me: then we access the vault
Guy: I don’t think they have a vault
Me [mocking]: yeah I bet they jus leave the Mcflurrys out
*I accidentally fall onto my computer and it logs me into Facebook* crap
*I try to get up but fall again and it causes me to type in my ex’s name* dangit
*I fall yet again and comment “your baby looks cross-eyed” on his album* oh shoot
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?
Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)
“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.
[being dragged out of a Spice Girls concert] AND SPORTY ISN’T AN ACTUAL SPICE EITHER
mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.
My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.
My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked
I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,
*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.
me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: hmm, that’ll be too much
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there
That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.