Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.

Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.

As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.

Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”

Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.

Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone

Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr

Follow your dreams. Hire a detective to track them down and confront them in a motel parking lot.

Wedding planning is organized crime.

me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE

her: are you serious this is mini golf

me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ

Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?

Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.

Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn

Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏

People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing

“Damnit!”

-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.

Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.

[unwrapping gift] oh wow, an item. I love these

FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.

3am

Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?

[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been

her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssst

GOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE

me: how did he die?

him: he was attacked by a gang of geese

me: gaggle?

him: no I think it was a stabbing

If the zombie apocalypse happens we’re double screwed because at least 70 million are on record as having no brain

“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”

Her: What’s with the bunny?

Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”

Her: Why?

Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.

A bug on my hood as I’m leaving the driveway. Suddenly I’m the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he’s ever known.

I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread

That sweet loving feeling when your kids have been asleep for a couple of hours, the house is quiet, and then you hear one of them get up to pee and you’re certain that not an ounce of urine is actually landing inside the toilet

Therapist: What’s the issue?

Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club

Therapist: You want to talk about it?

Me: That’s right

I remember when a computer didn’t automatically connect to the internet, it used to make a screaming noise. We should have listened.

{confused hamster}

*looks around cage*
“Ummmm where’d my wheel go??”

[Jesus’ voice booms from the heavens]
I WAS TOLD TO TAKE IT