Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”

A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.

Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!

Husband: I’m going to turn off the gps and just drive

Me: Last words from the urban liberals as they drive into the rural mountains blasting classical music looking to get closer to nature from the comfort of their SUV before they’re chainsawed and cannibalized by the locals

Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started

Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.

I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.

India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.

The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.

Me: It’s time to take a bath.

6: Ugh, I took one a few days ago!

Me: Yeah, you gotta keep taking those.

6: For my whole life?

Me: Yes

6: What!? Uggggghhhhh

Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don’t hit each other. We use our words.

Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.

Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.

My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!

Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.

*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into

My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting

The worst thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.

The best thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.

Priorities

[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?

[Dog yoga class]
Teacher: Alright, let’s go into downward human pose
[Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]

(First date)

Her: I like men who take charge.

Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*

saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming

Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.

Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.

Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.

Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars

“Wow, that’s great!”

~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.

Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.

9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.

Me: That would be a plane.

9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.

Me: So, a helicopter then.

9: No no small like a drone.

Me: …..

Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?

14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.

He’s been off for 17 days.

cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi

Costco workers just authorized a nationwide strike, which makes sense because collective action is basically just buying justice in bulk

Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.

Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?