Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*

If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.

My exorcist thinks we should see other demons

“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”

“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”

No thanks

“Why not?”

I actually love streets

[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep

Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*

Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine

Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why

Another day, another round of men asking, “Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?” Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?

You’re not USELESS…

I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat

JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life.

LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder.

JUDGE: Oh, then you’re free to go.

I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.

Her: Is my new concealer working?

Me: Who said that?

Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.

I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that

Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?

Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…

The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.

Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.

I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.

Me: How many would be the equivalent?

Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-

Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?

Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!

-my baby

BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test

ME: Hold my bong

Husband: “Lost my keys again.”

Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”

Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”

One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.

INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it

ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night

TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how

I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter

I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is

When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs

Proof that kids sometimes listen…

5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?

Me: I’m dressed

5: Those look like pajamas

Me:

5: Did you brush your teeth?

Me: Yes

5: Let me smell