Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.

Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.

I come from a family of failed magicians.

I have 2 half sisters

HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP

Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.

Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?

I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”

So anyway, he’s my new therapist.

My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.

The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.

My employer added a clause in my last NDA stating that I was prohibited from saying anything “disparaging” about the company. Now when anyone asks about job postings I tell them, “I’m contractually obligated not to say anything disparaging about them.” None have ever applied.

So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.

boss: where have you been for the past seven days

me: in bed

boss: but i said sleep was for the weak

me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief

also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom

Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!

15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.

Me: ……sooo handsome though..

When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.

If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.

[outside a blazing house]

Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.

Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess

Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?

Boss: uh, working

Me: again?

Boss: …

My 4yo is in a know-it-all phase where every time he asks a question he prefaces by saying “I already know this but can you remind me…” I told him there was a guy named Plato who said we’re born knowing everything and merely rediscover things, and he said “yeah I knew that”

A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.

Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.

There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.

Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?

Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.

You should be glad.

That’s amazing.

netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.

As a parent I have to be prepared for anything. But I was not prepared on my drive to work this morning when a toy in my back seat turned itself on and exclaimed “Let’s read together!”

Why does Africa get better animals than us? It’s like Africa woke up at dawn and went straight to the animal-picking office, and then all the other continents stumbled in hung over at noon.

How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…

~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.

Laundry is racist!!

Must separate the whites from the colors!!

No delicates allowed?

Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!

The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.

I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.