Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.
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“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.
Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)
Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”
This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.
Me:
9yo:
Me: Can I go back to sleep now?
For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.
A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.
Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”— how the worm got its name
Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor
Tik Tok is a national treasure.
5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR