Librarian: Can I help you?
Me: Yeah, I’m looking for a book about-
Librarian: Being psychic?
Me: No…
Librarian: One day that will work.
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I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Barista: Can I get a name?
Me: Free
[Later]
Barista: I’ve got a caramel macchiato for Free
*fights break out as I smile from the corner*
Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”
“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob
Her: Talk dirty to me
Me: I’m not good at it
Her: omg just do it!
Me: You’re a bad girl
Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?
Me: Substandard
911: What’s your emergency?
“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”
911: Are you flirting?
“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”
Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”
WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!
Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶
An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
My nephew, who’s about to turn 9, has asked for only one thing for his birthday: a clown ventriloquist puppet. In other news, I told my sister I’m no longer available for babysitting
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
I know a bad idea when I see one.