Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: are you ready?

Husband: yes

Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-

Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick

Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*

Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.

this will hang in the louvre one day

Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.

Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.

They’re millennial falcons.

my recent google searches:

— how to colour your own hair

— how to fix a bad dye job

— Wigs By Tiffani

— hats

— making the most of your time in isolation

Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.

ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in

SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin

Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?

5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.

Apparently she learned bribery.

The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃

I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.

What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?

BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver

My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn’t want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she’s not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.

WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.

Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.

“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
“Amateur.”

It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.

If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.

Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.

Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.

Me: And your point is…?

I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial

Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake

If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper

Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that

ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink

OCTOPUS: Oh hey

Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more

I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.

My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks

[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows

[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were here

pizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less