Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
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Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
WHO LET THE T-REX OUT OF ITS PADDOCK JESUS CHRIST DO I HAVE TO DO EVERYTHING AROUND HERE?
Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
Um, yes, I love this place. How much is the deposit?
“Ma’am, this is a psych ward.”
no one:
me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me
Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake
man: and her body has been stolen
me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take
man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin
me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake
Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder
I am putting on so many clothes
*cold weather sext
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
[showing off scars]
ME: *lifting shirt* I’ve had this one for as long as I can remember
HER: that’s your bellybutton
*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.
[confessional]
me: father, gooey naan.
father: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.